****Content Warning Mental Health/Dysphoria****
I just needed to write something today. I’m probably not going to share this post on all of my social media like I usually do, because this is just for me. Writing helps me get my thoughts out even when I don’t have many of them, and especially when I have too many of them.
Lately I’ve been very dysphoric, and what’s worse is I feel stupid for being so….I don’t know offended? That people aren’t using my name and pronouns? And that I can’t even correct them confidently? And this post is kind of my substitute for therapy this week because my therapist and I now only meet once every two weeks and I need to get stuff out. So I’m sorry for this.
I’m also on anxiety medicine that’s supposed to help with depression too but lately it hasn’t. I’ve been having a lot of depressive and intrusive thoughts and they just aren’t fun. I hold my head and I lay down and I just fall asleep because I don’t know how else to stop them. And it hurts that I feel so helpless when it comes to my own thoughts.
I also started noticing that I pick at my chest when I’m anxious, and maybe this is me trying to subconsciously kind of “hating” on my chest, because I’ve never done this before recently (at least when I’m anxious). Sorry if you’re reading this mom, but I’ve also been self-conscious about talking about wanting top surgery because she believes I should wait so long…And it just makes me feel….like I shouldn’t think about it. Like it’s bad. Even though it’s a main cause of my dysphoria it just feels like I shouldn’t bother other people by talking about it. And that I should just keep it to myself until it actually happens.
Some things that make me feel better when I’m feeling like this is to dress in more masculine clothes, to watch supportive YouTube videos about being trans and about mental health. As well as hugging my cats (against their will), and sipping sweet tea while under my blankets in my bed. And..I write. I write even if it doesn’t make sense and even If I make myself vulnerable to a journal or…to the internet. And that’s important to me. Because words to me are my world. And being able to verbalize my thoughts and my feelings is important to keeping myself sane when I have days like today where I am extremely low.