I am Done!

BEHOLD, I am done with this school year. The first year towards my new transfer degree in English done and done. It was tough. I went through a lot of mental rough patches. Coming out as Non-binary was the biggest one. However, I had good patches too. I got engaged at Christmas, got acquainted with the best work team and manager I had ever had, and learned a lot about myself and my Identity in society.

I am ready for summer and hope to focus on a lot of writing ideas and even just free-writing because I want to improve so badly. And If I transfer to University I won’t have time to take all of the writing classes so I want to seek out as much information as I possibly can and gain stronger comprehension skills as well. The only way to do that is to read of course. I want to read more queer and LGBT fiction and be more involved with that community as well. I want to get feedback on my own fiction short stories too.

But this summer I also just want to have new experiences. I want to visit my aunt in the city and go to a new restaurant, I’ll be going to Pride on Sunday for the first time as well, and I just want to live. I have been scared to do a lot of things lately and mostly because I am Trans and because I am Non-binary. But I shouldn’t be scared to be those. I should be proud. And I realize that now. And I might still be scared most of the time while applying for jobs, walking in the city and expressing my gender, and other areas of my life like online. But being able to go out and try and do new things despite being scared is what makes it worth it. Because no one is holding me back.

In terms of my Identity this summer, I want to pay attention to my therapy more. And realize what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can do for me. It won’t completely get rid of any anxiety, stress, or depression, but it will put a dent in it and give me some coping mechanisms, and that’s all I want from it. Also now that I feel generally okay being Non-binary and having my family know and hopefully understand a little bit, I am expressing myself in different masculine and androgynous ways, through clothes, my new name, my hair, and the way that I present myself to people.

My dysphoria has been manifesting a lot through my voice, my chest of course, and my hips. I’ve also been ‘packing’ while also wearing my binder to make it seem to others that I am male ‘down there’. The reasons are hard to understand when you aren’t trans masculine so I’ll put a video about packing at the bottom of this article. My chest dysphoria has been really strong. I can’t look at my chest or I get really uncomfy and stressed. I even went out to Walmart the other day without a bra or binder on, big mistake. Even though they weren’t I felt like all eyes were on my chest and how much of a ‘female’ I was. I felt sick to my stomach.

Besides the dysphoria, my identity has been hard to adjust and just will be for everyone in my life. My fiance has adjusted well but he’s around me the most, so it is easier for him. Everyone else has to remember every time they see me, I just wish they remembered every time they thought about me. It’s a slow, slow process. But I’m willing to wait.

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