Changing gears from talking about testosterone and top surgery, I wanted to talk about spirituality, in conjuncture, my own. When I was younger I was Christian. Presbyterian I guess. But only because my mom and grandparents were. And so, my own path of spirituality didn’t start until I was ten.
I was always a kid fascinated by witches and magic. I couldn’t get enough of it. And so, naturally, I started research as into ‘real’ magic as soon as I was old enough to search on google and play games like Wizard101, which was about twelve or thirteen years old. From there I learned about the Wiccan spirituality, about polytheistic deities, and tales of lore. It sounded old and mystical, and I was a harry potter and Halloweentown fan, so it all was like music to my tween ears. When I was ten I thought I could control the wind and the rain, that I could make it sunny when I was happy and when I was twelve I believed that I had empathic abilities to be able to know what others really felt.
These died off eventually but my spirituality was just getting started, as I started to grow my collections of crystals and wands. I now have five wands, some with crystals inside the handle and made with fragile wood and a whole Tardis (Doctor Who reference) container of finger-sized or larger crystals. I also keep a lot of tealight candles, as they are the cheapest candles and good for traveling with.
Some parts of my spirituality that make me Wiccan is that I worship the deities Diana a Goddess of the moon and hunt, and Freyja a Goddess of cats, amber, war, and many other things. Goddesses don’t have to be the goddess of only one thing ya know. And my main reason for choosing these goddesses was the fact that I used them as extensions of myself and I saw myself in their folklore and their stories. And their spirits were there for me when I have no one else to talk to. Because as humans we like to talk to and we listen to others, rather than ourselves. We trust others, more than ourselves. And I trusted my deities.
But it got tricky when I realized I was transgender.
I thought, “Why do I relate to these very feminine goddesses, does this mean I am really a woman?” But this couldn’t be farthest from the truth. Diana, while emphasizing purity and honesty, also can represent truth, resilience, and strength. And Freyja. A fierce warrior who put up with no one, and was a symbol of honor and love, and simply…power. This is the kind of androgynous force that was driving me. And so these were qualities that I saw in my deities that I know I would need to be who I really was. And to…see through the mask that I had been showing others for so long.
This is why I will continue to honor these goddesses, because their stories and who they were, even in folklore, helped me to realize my true potential. And they have helped me realize my skills in other things such as being a leader and teaching others. My Wiccan spirituality has taught me that mother nature is beautiful and they could be androgynous. They could be nonbinary. And if Gaia, this beautiful world, could be nonbinary and not fit into our silly human social constructs of the gender binary, then why couldn’t I?