As unbelievably cringy as this title sounds, it’s a valid question. What are your dreams made of? Your ambitions, your drive.

I ask myself this a lot and always wonder whether I am on the right path. In this time of strenuous politics and economy, I wonder if I can live a fulfilling life without taking out loan after loan for school. Last year I went to school full time as well as worked full time. I had a stressful job that didn’t pay enough, and my grades were just shy of B’s. But I was barely scraping by in terms of my mental health. Money was really tight, work staff was tight, and it felt like the thoughts in my head were squeezing themselves until they exploded. I was in a very bad place.

Over the summer, I’ve gotten a better paying job, focused on myself and self-care needs, and pursued projects like this blog and starting a writing portfolio. Things, I couldn’t bear to start while I was in school. The pressure was off and I was once again in a room where I could stretch out my arms to the fullest. And then, after filling out the FAFSA for the next school year, I didn’t qualify for the Federal Pell Grant. The one thing that I relied on to feel like going to school was still worth signing loans to cover the extra cost, was gone for a whole year. My income with my dad’s income was “too much” for Federal aid. And that’s not on him, or myself.

After a lengthy talk with my therapist, I’ve decided to not go back to school this year. It isn’t worth signing loan after loan for the whole amount of school, as well as being on a path that I don’t even know what I’d do with. Once I made this decision, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a person again. Not just a “struggling student with a full-time job”.

My dreams are everchanging. I hate the social idea that you have to pick something and stick with it forever. Your interests and passions and dreams should be allowed to evolve and change and become a part of who you are. Sure, you might not become a master but you’ll take other lessons about yourself from the experience and to me, that’s what really matters. And my lesson to you is, chase what you believe in, change yourself often, and find adventure in your passions. Cheesy blog post sent.

Love, Rhian

 

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